When do you throw in the towel?

To say 2011 has been a year of sunshine, flowers, and rainbows is a total LIE! It has been filled with shorter races, a lot of talking things out outloud, long cries, a lot of crying, and well lets face it, more crying. Some cries were good ones such as when Rosalie was born. (good cry) Most other cries were sad cries. A lot of them were done in private, some in front of Daniel, my mom, Alex especially, and then some holding on to Country Biscuit (the eldest cat). It has been a struggle to stay positive knowing your body has failed you in the one way you never thought it would. AND you still do not know why!
This past week was ANOTHER doctor's visit. I was really really hopeful for this visit but it lead to sorrow and a lot more of... crying! I went in for an ultrsound to see how my body was progressing only to find out that I could not go in for an IUI because it landed on a holiday weekend and no one was open. Daniel and I decided we would try it this time and then take time off. The original plan was to take 2 months off. I LOVE TO PLAN! Anyways... we have had more talks and we will be taking off until further notice. If you skipped the first paragraph, go back and read it. We are taking off until further notice because it is bringing so much sorrow and unhappiness to our lives that we can NOT go on any further. Both of us are unhappy with how this is changing us, and we realize its not for the better. We have to focus on us.
So... the towel has been thrown in. I do still want to find out what exactly is wrong with me since its a mystery. I would like to go see a endocrinologist to get a full workup. But I am so tired of the drugs. So tired of the hot flashes, headaches, sadness, being poked, blood drawn, shots, pills, doc visits, etc. I am tired of broken dreams month after month.
SO with that being said, Daniel and I are going to a support group starting in January. Alex mentioned that there was one that was local. Hopefully I will meet some people who I can relate to. I guess fortunately for others but not for me, I know of no one who is in my situation. I have no one to talk to who knows how I feel. Just people that listen to me and give support. (not that it is a bad thing)
Also, I have signed up for a marathon. I did today. I have been training since before Christmas and need an outlet. Running helps me in more ways that the average person understands. Its an outlet for me. I can just run and focus on me. I can work through my problems, situations, goals, etc. I am not reliable for anyone but myself. This is a goal that I can complete (as long as no injury). It is obtainable. It is something that I want, can, and will do. Of course it doesn't hurt that it will be at the beach. :)
So my goals for this year are as follows... go back to basics. Spend quality time with family and friends. Focus on myself in a good way. Make obtainable goals that have nothing to do with the medical field. Live a healthier more balanced life. (not that I dont already but further improve), Travel to parts of the US such as NY, Kansas, and maybe Mississippi, buy another rental property, and I would like to look into volunteering or donating more.

Family... part... 1 and 2

Family... Christmas and Family go hand in hand for me. This year was no exception. The past few years, we have been hosting Daniel's mom's side of the family at our home for an early Christmas. We had early Christmas the Thursday before Christmas. Daniel's brother, sister in law, and little girl came in the night before to spend some time with us. I was able to get out of work a little early that day and thank goodness because I totally procrastinated food prep, and cleaning big time! I made dinner in the crock pot, was cooking breakfast for the morning, and other side dishes for the following day. I wanted to make sure I had time to spend with everyone instead of my whole day in the kitchen. We had a good evening and I went to bed at a decent hour because the following day was a 10.5 mile run.
I got up, ran, and then came back to prepare appetizers for everyone. The rest of the crew showed up and we had food while opening up gifts. This allowed for maximum time with Hannah (niece) before she went down for a nap. It also made for some extra yummy food and new recipes to try out. :)
This year was no exception. Daniel deep fried the turkey. It of course came out amazing as always.
All in all we had a good time. Everyone stayed much later than previous years because we were able to start earlier. So the whole day was spent with family instead of just the evening. Daniel thought of the idea and I think it worked out best for everyone.
Friday the 23rd Val and I went on a walk. She informed me that Evan and Caitlyn were going to be in Charlotte visiting that night along with her. How was I left out of the loop? Anyways, a quick decision concluded to me packing my bags for the night and driving to Charlotte to visit the fam. Since Evan lives in Mississippi and Caitlyn in NY, I see them about once a year. :(
My father especially has instilled family values in my head. Heck... I dont know if he could have stuffed more about family values in my head if he wanted to! (not a bad thing) Anyways, I value my siblings VERY much and appreciate every second I spend with them. (well almost... sometimes there is drama and pms)
So 99.9% of the time we all have fun. Saturday started with a 8.6 mile run outside followed by a trip to Trader Joes, lunch with Mom and then me driving back home. I drove 4 hours more over the holidays just to see my siblings for a few extra hours both Friday and Saturday. O yes, and to have dinner with my grandparents who I also see about once a year.
Saturday night was eventful as well. Lets just say that the neighbors across the street were having a party and their guests parked all up in my grass and NOT in theirs. I was in my pj's and changed to march over there and demand they move or I would tow. I know... not very Christmas spirit, etc but when they told me that they asked their guest to not park in their grass and then they parked in mine, all niceness went away! Also that night, Daniel and I had dinner together and watched Chevey Chase and the Christmas movie!!
Christmas morning started off with another 5 mile run. I had a great time... like really my body was all in sync and my miles were faster. Anyways, Daniel and I packed up and drove to Charlotte for the day. We stopped in Waffle House for breakfast as we do every year. It was super tasty and a good halfway point. When we got to my parents, we hung out, opened presents, took family photos and ate ate ate! There were 21 people who ended up showing up. Yes 21! Valerie did such an awesome job (as she always does in organizing) and set up an email list of food that people were bringing. SO this year we did not have 3 fruit trays. :)
We stayed until after dark and then drove back home with Caitlyn. Her and I fell asleep the whole way back. We dropped her off at her boyfriend's parents place because she had to go back home to NY the next day. :(
I was so wiped out that I went to bed right when I got home. Sorry cats.... mom is tired.

Don't look...

This morning Val and I went on a 5 mile walk through her neighborhood and the country club that is attached. We were at about mile 3.5 when Valerie took my arm and said quick over here (we crossed the street)... don't look. Don't look? At what? I noticed there was something in the road so I thought that she had seen a dead cat or something. Nope.... she saw a buck hanging from a tree with its guts taken out and drained. I did not believe her and of course HAD to look. I couldn't help but laugh and laugh. All Valerie could say was... I think Im going to vomit, my stomach is turning, etc. I just laughed and laughed. I was very intrigued but also thought... this is a country club. Isn't it against the hoa to hang a buck from a tree with its guts hanging out?
Chuckle chuckle.

soiled pants, spit up, and the race that wasn't

So a recap of last week. I was honored to spend my "weekend" with Rosalie since mom and dad went back to work. I received a detailed email weeks in advance on what to expect, etc. I arrived early on Thursday only to find no one home. Immediately I panicked. Did I go to the wrong place? Wrong time? I called Alex and no answer.. then Ron shows up with Rosalie. PHEW! Ron got her settled and did not want to leave. I could see he would rather spend time with Rosalie than go to work. Who wouldn't? Rosalie and I hung out all day. I took some pictures and sent them to Alex and updated via email when possible. On day one, I got spit up twice on my shirt. O well. It was part of signing up for the job. On day 2, my pants were soiled. Rosalie was eating and all of a sudden something was warm and wet. Of course I knew what it was and with quick thinking, she went straight to the changing table minus the bottle and quickly got changed. I think it was part user error and part full diaper. Anyways... lesson learned! The day went by so fast both days. I tried the second day to bring a watch with me to remember when I fed, changed, she slept, etc. My watch was getting in the way so I just kept the phone close to me... after all it has a clock on it.
On to race day.... I for some reason always still get super nervous when going out to do a race. Any race over a 5k is nerve racking to me but I love it! Saturday was no different. I got up, got my act together, grabbed my stuff and headed to WS for the race. I got there early and hung out in my car. I knew where the race was starting was a particular difficult area for me to navigate. I have gotten myself lost and in a fit over being lost many times. I also was warned that there was not much parking there. I knew that after the race I would have to go to work so I wanted to be close to the shower area. I went and picked up my registration which was pretty easy and then just sat and waited. I ate a pbj and surfed the internet on my phone. 15 minutes before the race started, someone announced that it would be delayed. Uggg. I had to get to work. I quickly calculated time frames and realized I would be late to work if I did do the half marathon. With a sad and angry heart I realized that the 5k would have to do for the day. There had to have been some reason for me not being able to do the half. I knew I had a calf cramp the night before and it was sore so who knows... anyways I went out to get in line for the 5k. There were TONS of people. And tons of kids. Kids EVERYWHERE! I have never seen so many kids at one race before. There were girls on the run girls, other kids groups, ymca groups, etc. And the kids were very misbehaved. They were tripping eachother, pulling on each other, etc. I was not able to get a groove til about .4-.5 miles in. I knew this was going to happen because of the amount of people there. (there were over 500 girls ages 5-18 racing and I dont know how many boys) I did finish under 30 minutes but dont see my race time anywhere. I was happy that my time was under 30 but I wanted to be closer to 28 instead of 29 min. There is always room for improvement. :)

A good solid laugh

So the below post came from stressfreeinfertility blog. I had a good chuckle reading it because some of the things written are what I think. Although not all of them are catered to our situation. (not going into detail on that)
I have two big appts this week. One is tomorrow and the next is Friday. I will see a specialist Friday. I have been thinking long and hard on questions to ask. I have forwarded questions to Alex and Daniel to look over to get suggestions. Fingers crossed I will get some positive news this week.

So, whether it’s ignorance, misinformation, assumptions, prior knowledge about a past friend’s successes, or just plain lack of education about the infertile world…some of the following comments can crawl into our soul and tear apart the very thin threads that are holding us together any moment out of any given day. And whether we roll our eyes, make a nasty, cynical remark, smile and nod while screaming inside or run to the bathroom to sob in a stall, they all sting.

(Please feel free to add your own comments and your responses or opinions about any of these)… I know this blog is a positive space but sometimes you have to vent and let it all out! That’s a stress reliever too!

Here are some things that I have heard when you’re getting unsolicited advice about the actual trying…usually all the following are followed with “It’ll happen [one day].” What’s in italics are typical thoughts or perhaps even responses my husband or I have had.

1. Just Relax! (Oh…THAT’S what I was doing wrong!)
2. When the time is right… (Why? Is this a bad time?)
3. Don’t think about it so much. (So is this where I stick my head in the sand?)
4. Don’t try so hard. (This isn’t high school! We can’t use reverse psychology here!)
5. You have time. (Do I? I didn’t know you had my life planned out!)
6. You’re so young! (Am I? What age is good for you then?)
7. Just adopt and then you’ll get pregnant. (So, I spend tens of thousands for a baby and then my husband’s sperm count will magically go up?)
8. Just have sex on days 10, 12 and 14. (In a perfect cycle, in a perfect world…I suppose I’m just one of the abnormal ones!)

Here are some other non-sensical, insensitive comments:

1. I thought you guys were trying…what happened, did you take a break? (Ummm….yeah, we took a break. You know, we like to keep it spontaneous!)
2. It’s easy, just stick it in, have some fun and Bam! (No, really, it isn’t that easy!)
3. Have you tried…(insert the latest infertile craze here)?…That worked for my (cousin, neighbor, co-worker, sister, etc.) (Oh did it now!! Well, thank you so much! Now can I have her body, eggs, and her husband’s sperm?)
4. Is it you or your husband? (Did you seriously just ask me that???)
5. There’s always next time! (Ummm yeah, after I pay out my life savings to my doctor, and wait for my body to calm down from all these stims…)
6. But, is it really all that stressful? (Well, yeah after you go through all of the drugs, getting poked and prodded every day, wait for your follicles to grow, pray that they are of the best quality, hope that you get at least some to fertilize and then of course to implant all the while trying to keep it real that it comes with no guarantees…yeah I would say that’s pretty stressful!)

And here are some things “frustrated” parents say:

1. At least you can spend your money on other things. (NO, really I can’t though. I’m broke!)
2. Well, enjoy going out and sleeping in because that’s all over when you have kids. (I want to wake up early with my kids…those mornings would make my whole day!)
3. Just enjoy yourself ’cause kids can be brutal! (Really? Are you serious?)
4. Well, you can take mine if you want…(insert silly giggle here). (O.K. Don’t even joke because you know I was just thinking about how I could get away with that!)
5. Don’t ever have kids…EVER! (Seriously?????)

And of course the number one question that is the most irratating for me now that I’ve been successful (even though I am more than happy to talk about my experience) is:

Are they natural? (No, they are martian and artificial all rolled into one. I am THAT freakin’ unbelievable!)

Dun dun dunnnnnn

Ok.. well thats how scary it felt today. This morning I had my hsg test. To say it was roses and sunshine would be a total lie. Here is a run down on the whole thing, minus the nitty gritty.
First off, this test was at the hospital because of the huge xray machine that had to be used. So I was unsure of these new people I was going to interact with. I did not see my normal doc or nurse or anything. Prepping for the test took more time than the actual test. I had Daniel come with me only to find out that he couldn't stay in the room while the test was going on. I unfortunately read some horror stories yesterday on these tests and how people were doubled over in pain. Fortunately I was not that bad. It just feels like that time of the month and prob will for a few days. So Daniel had to leave once the test was underway and it was over within a few minutes. The xrays came up and it showed that everything was normal, which is good, but still unknown why my body is being the way it is.
Anyways.... after everything was said and done, I about passed out in the restroom. All my emotions got crazy and I started crying. I called for Daniel who helped me and then the nurses wanted me to lay down so I did. I was fine after about 2 minutes but not fine enough to drive so I ended up waiting for another 10-15 minutes until I knew I would be ok. While waiting, Daniel was cracking some jokes, which helped a lot.
All I have to say is that I hope I do not have to do one of those tests again. Now I just wait for my doc to call me to see when to go visit her again.

Shot!

No.. its not as bad as it sounds. I did get a shot. The flu shot! I know the shot came out a few years ago and you have to get it early to prevent certain strains of the flu. When the shot first came out it had thimerisol in it. I could not get the shot because I am very allergic to thimerisol. I found out from a skin patch test thankfully and not some terrible case of the hives (or worse!). Anyways, I have been doing some thinking and researching about the flu shot and after speaking to my doctor yesterday, I went ahead and got it. She stated that at their office, the shots there do not have thimerisol or mercury in them because people who are prego do not want those things in their body. Apparently there have been cases that thimerisol causes autism. The reports have been proven wrong but people still do not want that stuff in their bodies. (I don't blame them). So after the nurse double checked and printed out a form from the box saying there was no thimerisol in the shot, she gave it to me and then I had to hang out for 20 min to make sure I was ok. This was fine with me since I do not do particularly well with shots, needles, blood drawn, blood in general, cuts, scrapes, you name it. Although, I can tell before I get any medical stuff done if it will be a good day or not, I knew that yesterday was going to be a good day and I would not have problems. I personally think it has to do with my blood sugar and what I ate the day before and the morning of. I knew I ate super healthy both breakfast and dinner, but still chilled at the office for a bit. (per doc's orders)
Lets just say it has been 9 years since I have had a shot that goes into the muscle and ouch! I feel like I had a killer workout on my left shoulder.
Here is to hoping I do NOT get the flu.

When something breaks

Ok... I must confess... our oven broke like a month ago and we still havnt fixed it. I know I know, getting it fixed is pretty simple. Call someone, pay them to come fix it, done. BUT I have been having entirely too much fun cooking with my crock pot that I have forgotten about the oven! I have become more creative and really... you can cook like everything in the crockpot. Even yogurt and wine! So far, I have cooked apple spice oatmeal, stuffed peppers, chicken stew, chicken soup, pot roast, and chicken broth. Its just so easy. Also, all of these recipes have been loaded with fresh veggies and meat and low carb. (good for my condition) Also low on sugar too. (also a plus for me)
Side note:
Carbohydrates and PCOS

A diet low in fats, but high in carbohydrates may not be beneficial for women with PCOS. High levels of carbohydrates can trigger the overproduction of insulin, which is detrimental in effect. Hence, a diet which is low in carbohydrates is considered as ideal, but avoid refined ones like breads, pastas, cookies, ice creams, etc. You can include more complex carbohydrates like whole-grain breads and cereals, whole-wheat pasta, barley, brown rice and beans. Prefer lower glycemic index foods, which take more time to turn into blood sugar. They have higher fiber content than the high glycemic foods (foods that break down quickly during digestion and release glucose rapidly into the bloodstream).

The daily consumption of carbohydrates should not be less than 40 grams. A lower intake of carbohydrates can cause ketosis. Maintain intervals in the intake of carbohydrates. If you consume the whole recommended levels of carbohydrates in a single meal, it can cause a rapid rise in the blood sugar and insulin. Try to drink more water and liquids. Avoid caffeinated drinks. Avoid foods containing saturated and trans fats like red meat, whole dairy products, butter and margarine, fried and spicy foods, etc. Foods high in mono unsaturated fats and omega 3 fats are good for the health of the heart.

Now this doesn't mean that I totally am super crazy about avoiding all sugars because I LOVE SUGAR! I love ice cream, cookies, cakes, brownies, you name it. I just now try to keep it out of the house. And yes, some days, I just don't care and really need (want) that comfort food. But I do try to be more conscious about what goes in. More salads, and rarely ice cream in the house.
So back to the crock pot thing. I am in love. I can premake dinner and then have it ready to eat when we get home. I can plan meals based on the fresh produce that is on sale each week. I am not sure what is next on the agenda but it might have something to do with pumpkin. :)

Best day of 2011

As you all know, October 6, 2011 is Rosalie Helen's Birthday. What an exciting day this was.
Pretty much the whole month of September I was on pins and needles waiting for that phone call saying that Alex was headed to the hospital. I got a couple of them, but they all were "false alarms". That is not to say that it was not important for her to go to the hospital because it was. She had abnormal test results, etc that got her admitted but the released. Oct 5th was Ron's birthday and also the day I got the phone call that she was headed to the hospital. Her test came back not good so the doctor admitted her to have and induction. At first Alex said for me to come early... like before the sun comes up but then later said 830 would be fine. My task was to grab breakfast for dad to be and myself. Unfortunately mom to be couldn't eat anything but jello. :( I arrived a little late due to traffic, and doing some household things for Alex and Ron. When I got there I did not even go into the room all the way because Alex would have smelled the food. Ron and I ate by the drink machines and then went back into the room. Alex was already starting to have contractions because she was induced at 730ish. Nothing was painful so Ron showed me around the hospital. Who knew how long we were going to be there. Might as well get my bearings. After the tour I went to visit with Alex and stayed for quite some time before leaving for any period of time. We chatted, texted, were on the internet, etc. I did go get the nurse a few times from 9-12. I went running for the nurse when Alex's water broke. Why we did not use the nurse button you ask? Well we were told how to use it many times but either forgot about it or just went to the nurse desk since it was so close.
I must say that Alex and Ron had by far the most fantastic nurse ever! She was the perfect fit for them. Knowledgeable, warm, kind, and not pushy. She was always there when needed and was able to get Alex focused when she felt like giving up.
By the time we knew it, it was 12 and we all knew that this was the opportunity for lunches. Ron went first and went home for food. I then left. When I came back Ron went to go study. When Alex got checked at around 2, she asked for me to go get Ron so I went looking for him. I couldnt find him but he eventually came back and from then on out, no one left the room. Things progressed fast from here. Ron started with holding Alex's hands and counting when contractions got bad, then her back hurt her so I took over hand holding and he rubbed her back. After about 30-45 min of this, Ron declared his arms tired. So we switched. I went to give Alex a deep tissue massage on her back every time the contractions started and counted. Ron then started breathing tech with Alex while holding her hands. I am not sure how we got into such a rhythm but looking back on it, it was amazing. Alex asked me to stay and asked Ron if it was ok. He said yes and of course I said yes. I told Alex when I saw her that morning, that it was her day and she was #1. Anything asked of me, I would do. I stuck to my word even though I am the worst with blood and guts. My mind must have gone on overdrive because I watched the nurse set up all the instruments, all the medical items, and did not flinch.
Things got very intense by 4pm. There was lots of pushing, holding breath, counting to 8 or 10, and some very difficult times. Alex proclaimed she was an idiot for not getting any drugs, she broke down once, and cried... "get this baby out of me". The doctor finally came in at around 420. Talk about fashionably late! We were all wondering where she was and the nurse called for her twice. A few minutes later, Rosalie started making her entrance into this world. Ron watched, I couldn't but my side vision did catch Rosalie as she entered. We proclaimed she was here! Alex said, Why is she not crying? I reassured her that she was fine. They were cleaning out her mouth with a suction. My eyes got all teared up along with everyone else. What a magical moment! The doctor cleaned up Rosalie a bit and put a towel on Alex and then rested Rosalie on her. WOW! So incredible. Rosalie then had to be measured, cleaned up a bit, weighed, and have her first photo shoot. Ron stayed by Alex's side because she was getting shaky and in so much pain that she needed him. (and rightfully so) I got the camera to take pictures of Rosalie so that they could view them at a later time. Rosalie measured 22 inches. At first the nurse measured her at 22.5 but then remeasured her. They got her head measured, chest, and weight. She got her first diaper and then started sucking her thumb! Already a personality forming. After finishing up with the nurse, she was swaddled and given back to Alex and Ron. I got some family photos with them, photos with the doc, nurse, and then the extended family came in.
Alex's Mom, Dad, and brother entered and they started taking pictures. Everyone was super excited. After some time, we had champagne and pink cookies. Eventually we had to leave the deliver room so Alex's parents left and the rest of us walked down to the nursery to drop off Rosalie for her first bath, tests, etc. Alex's brother and I went to go get all the items from the deliver room and transferred them over to the recovery room. I went to grab dinner for Ron and myself. Alex got free food from the hospital. I did not forget her though. I figured after all she did, the least I could do was grab ice cream! (and been for Ron) The day winded down with everyone settling into the room and I left (even though I did not want to leave).
This day was by far one of the top days that I have ever experienced. It was the most educational, emotional day ever for me. Life really is a miracle. I am so happy to have The Farlow's in my life and have many more great long years together.
How could two friends get any closer you ask? I just don't know. Thick and thin, we are there for each other.

I have a secret

I have been keeping a huge secret. Well... I wouldn't call it a secret, just kept things private. Here it goes. I have been battling infertility for over a year. There I said it.. well wrote it. The only people who have know have been my Mom, sisters, and Alex. It really is not something that you bring up in conversation so there really is not a good way to tell someone. So now that my secret is out here is the back story.
March of 2010 Daniel and I nailed down a month we were going to just stop using birth control. That month rolled around back in 2010 and things seemed to be ok. But then two months passed and the third month I knew something was wrong because I did not have my period. My body, in the past, before meds was always spot on. I could time things happening. When nothing happened and no positive test, I had blood drawn. It came back negative and I was put on some drugs to make me start. So the next month came along with normalcy and I thought everything was ok. Until the following month showed up with the same scenero. This time, I knew something was really not right but the doc I was seeing insisted nothing was wrong and put me back on some meds for things to go "normal". Well the next month I ended up getting tested for multiple things. Daniel had mentioned it was probably from over exercising, I knew that was not the case. And the test results came back that I was not over exercising but that I did have "issues". I was then started on Clomid to try to get my body back to where a normal person should be. I did this for 2 months and really started to wonder if the doc I was seeing really had my best interest in mind. I felt she was not listening to me and not really concerned about my situation. I was frustrated so I went and got another opinion. Actually 2. I ended up going to a specialist with my records and sat down with her very bluntly and laid it all on the table. I told her how I felt, my frustrations, my concerns, etc. She immediately scheduled some blood work to see some things because she was concerned of some levels in my body. Turns out, my results came back and I have PCOS! Figures! I mean hello... classic symptoms of blood work issues and no period without meds to make it come. She started me on some drugs to get me going and we had a great relationship starting. Fast forward 3-4 more months and I have now been diagnosed with resistance to Clomid, you know, the drug that is supposed to help me. This was determined by blood work every month. My levels in my body were just not responding the way they should have. Some people just dont work out with this med. So on to a new one. I am now on Femara. (Yes the drug for Breast Cancer). I have been on it for a few months now and my blood work has come back much better thankfully. I have also been poked and prodded so many times now I can not keep track. I have the most extensive medical history report that I have every seen. I have had the worst emotions, mood swings, hot flashes, and down right sobs and buckets of crying for so long now. Every month my emotions get to me. I have turned to organic and natural cleaning and health and beauty products, I have stopped exercising as much, I have given up things such as alcohol and caffeine during certain times. I have put races and long training runs on the back burner, etc.
This month after nothing happened, I just gave up on keeping this a secret. I flat out told someone a few days ago because they made a comment and all I could do was say..." I may not be able to have children. I have infertility issues." With that being said, please please keep in mind when talking to others, not just me, when asking if people have children. I know that is something that most do not find offensive or upsetting but it can be. It puts people who are in a situation like mine... well upset.
So.... please if you do not mind, pass this along. There are so many people out there with these problems. Healthy fit individuals, and people just keep quiet about it. I am ready to share my situation with others only to help them with their journey or to help people understand the shoes that I have been in.
Because of quick thinking and research I have been able to cut down the time it has taken me to get this far. There are tools to help others out there and sometimes it just takes a hand to guide you.
My best friend Alex has been one of the biggest rocks for me to talk to. I am sure we prob have spent a total of a whole month talking about this if you add all the phone calls, emails, and long chats. If I did not have her, I am not sure I could have made it this far.
The blog below has been a great help to me. She explains exactly how it feels to be in my situation. I could not have said it any better. I was so moved by her blog that I emailed her back and forth for guidance and suggestions.
http://www.runnerstrials.com/2011/03/28/the-emotions-i-dont-want-to-feel/
And lastly, I have been saying I for a lot of the post, if not most, but Daniel has also been effected by it. Of course not in the same way as me. He gets the cranky, upset, downright emotional bride that he married to deal with. But his dreams of a family are on hold just like mine. When people ask him about kids, he really just doesnt know what it say. He has been supportive but sometimes also just doesnt know what to say. Men have different brains than women so he does sometimes say things that just do not make sense. He did say something a few times about how it should not define me, just be a part of me. I understand that and it doesn't define me. It is just something that I will have to try to control with medicine for the rest of my life. I will have to get used to going to the doctor monthly, getting blood drawn monthly, and pick up my expensive prescriptions monthly as well.

Vegas and beyond part 2

Ok so... this is part 2 of our trip. There is just so much to talk about and I hate to leave bits and pieces out! We got our car from the service and found it and then made our way out of town. We stopped at Costco for some meds and some drinks from the food station and of course free samples. :) We then plugged my phone into the charger and realized that the outlet was broken on the car! Ekk!! So we ended up calling Roni to get directions and had to do so for a few times since my gps would go out after a short time. While we were driving Daniel started having a lot of questions about things we were seeing. He was just amazed at the difference in land in the desert, mountains. We started writing down all the questions so we could have them hopefully answered later that night. So on we go to CA. Like I said, Daniel was amazed at everything but my head was in my book for a good portion of the trip. I started reading this book while at the pool and it was so good I didn't want to put it down. In the past I have gotten car sick when reading in the car, but I guess I overcame that sometime in the recent past.
After a four hour drive in the car, we made it to CA! We were both tired and in need of a home cooked meal. Luckily we had a home cooked meal waiting for us!!! Roni made chicken and salad. I was so grateful for something healthier than what we had been eating. Everything was great. During the evening we were show around the house by Roni and Stephen. We also got our questions answered... well most of them. One in particular they did not know the answer to. We also got a little bit more information from our questions and talked about our Vegas trip. I ended up calling it an early night because I was so tired. I knew we had a busy day planned for the next day.
Friday we all got up and had to get ready to see Jay Leno. I was told the night before to wear something nicer because they tend to show the people who are dressed nicer. So I did some wash and wore my black knit dress and we were out the door for breakfast. But before breakfast we had to stop by to return the car. So we did that. At breakfast we learned a bit more about the town and the demographics of the area. We also had a little tour going into LA. We went to the hills and took pictures of different things. We also went and saw where Gene Simmons house is and the Play Boy mansion. We also found out where Elvis used to live. There were a few tourist walkers out looking at homes. We then stopped to get some snacks before the show at the gas station. We knew we wouldn't be hungry before the show since we had a late breakfast that was pretty big but knew we would be by the time we got into the show.
Tip.... If you ever go to a show in LA make sure you get there super early. Our show didn't start taping til 4 but we were told to be there by 245. Well... we got there at 145 and we still were #89 and 90 who got there! So people had shown up at about 12 for the show! We sat there for a good while and read and chatted and ate way too many chocolate covered almonds. They were amazing!!
When we got to go into the show area, we still had about 45 min before the show started so we sat again. This time though, our teeth were chattering. The show area was about 60 degrees! It was freezing! But I guess Jay gets hot with the lights on him and having to wear the suit. While at the show Daniel embarrassed me by screaming for a pic with Jay. He did not get it but Roni got a little gift bag from the show and gave it to me. (how sweet!)
After the show we scooted out of there and did some driving around. We were determined to find a place to eat dinner that was unique. Someone suggested places from Diners Drive ins and Dives. We found a place that was not too far away and headed there to eat. The place was called Nickel Street Diner. And boy was it DELISH! Everyone had amazing food. One thing that sticks out about this place was a man that was standing at the window looking in. The waiter said he did that every night at 6 and lives next door. Roni had to go out to get her camera from the car but was nervous due to the types of people hanging outside. I ended up going out there with her, no problem.
When we finished with our dinner, we drove around a bit more and went to the street that has everyones stars and hand prints on it. There were characters out there walking around looking for money. Roni got terrified by Edward Sizzerhands! He touched her neck and she screached! Hahahaha. The girls ended up splitting from the boys to go to Gap and do some shopping. I found a few things and tried them on. I ended up settling on a pair of white jeans that were entirely too long, but Daniel asked his mom if she would hem them for me. Roni said yes so they were sold! I couldnt believe I had purchased a pair of jeans on Hollywood blvd for 6 bucks! NICE. After leaving the store we tried to find the Hollywood sign but the lights were off. Who knows why but o well. We ended up heading home after that and calling it a night.
The following day we had big plans to go to Santa Monica and Malibu. So in the morning Daniel did some research about places to eat. He came up with a few so off we went. We drove into Santa Monica. Now this city was so pretty! We went to a carribean place that was so tasty. We ate outside because it was such a nice day. I sure was glad I bought the pants the day before because that is what I wore this day. The high was to be under 70. After finishing up lunch and stuffed to the brim we went walking on the beach. Daniel was debating going swimming in the ocean. It was so cold! After much debate, he did not. Instead we walked down to the pier and down the boardwalk. After getting on the boardwalk, Roni and Daniel discovered they had tar on their feet. Ick. That tar would not come off! Huge bummer for sure. We decided to go to the end of the pier and look at the fishermen to see what/if they caught anything. It was a quiet day.
After a while, we had enough and headed back to the car. Before we got to the car, Daniel decided to climb this rope thing in the park that was close to the ocean. There were so many people working out at this outdoor area. It was pretty neat.
So off to Malibu it was. We drove around and settled on this place to eat. Daniel thought it would be good and it was, but it was a little too uptight for any place I would normally go to. But we were in Malibu so I guess thats normal? Anyways, I was not impressed with Malibu by any means. I know a lot of rich/famous people live there but still. Not impressed.
After dinner, it was getting late so we headed back to the house and called it a night.
The following morning we all got up and had to pack up to leave. :( I was happy to see the cats but sad that vacation was over and I had to go back to work. It took a while to get everything just so for getting on the flight. Stephen arrived back from Church a little later and we got the car packed up and ready to go. Our thoughts were to stop at in and out burger or another place. We did not have enough time to go to this other place, so we arrived at in and out. Holy cow! IT was packed!!! I couldnt believe the amount of people that were working there/eating there. And the line for the drive through!! PLEASE! The food was good but the french fries got to me. I had had so many french fries over the week, I was not feeling it. So I got a milkshake. mmmm. We lost time a little bit and had to hurry to the airport. After circling around and trying to find our place of departure, we did. We had our goodbyes and were off to the east coast again. But this airport trip was much different from heading to the west coast. We had to get a wheelchair because Daniel managed to hurt his foot really bad and couldnt walk. With the wheelchair situation, we were able to cut the security line and head right to the flight. Our flight boarded on time and we were off to Atl. I thought I was going to be able to get some rest on the long flight back but this toddler in front of me had different ideas. Screamed the whole time pretty much and the person behind me kept moving my seat. Lets just say I was excited to get off that flight and onto another one. After a long day all around, we did finally arrive at RDU and Daniel's Grandma picked us up and then we headed home.
Overall, a great trip. I know I complained in my head a lot about the gloomy weather in Vegas but looking back, it was a blessing because we were not burning our brains out. We still got time at the pool and all around the strip. CA weather was perfect too.

Vegas and Beyond

As you all know... Daniel and I went to Vegas and CA last week. I am particularly funny about posting anything about being out of town while we are gone. There are way too many wacky people out there who can do harm. Anywho... so here it goes....
Sunday evening Daniel and I traveled to Durham to visit his Grandma and stay at her place since it is only about 2 miles from the airport. When we arrived, there was dinner waiting for us. All of my fav's.. green beans, chicken, mashed potatos, etc. We spent some time chatting and then called it an early night because we knew that the following morning was going to be very very early.
So I ended up waking up before the alarm clock on Monday.. which was before 430am! We were set to leave at 5am to get on the plane by 630. When we were driving to the airport, Daniel got a call from a funny number. He wasnt able to check it til later after we went through security, etc only to find out our plane was delayed til 715. Anyways..... that gave us a little extra time to charge Daniel's phone and for me to read magazines.
The flight to Vegas was great. Daniel and I were not able to sit next to each other but that was fine. The week previous I bought a travel pillow. I knew I did not want to be embarrassed like last plane trip. (slept on a strangers shoulder on accident!)
We got great snacks on the plane and the seats were super comfy. There was plenty of leg room too. I ended up sleeping for about 2.5 hours and then the remainder I stared out the window at the mountains/desert. It was so different from anything I had ever seen.
We made it off the plane at 9am and this was 12 our time. I was in desperate need of coffee asap. I had given up caffeine for a little while but I totally splurged on the trip with coffee, sweet treats, etc. It was a shame Starbucks was so expensive but I needed it. After a quick coffee stop, we were off to find the bus to take us to our hotel. On our way, we dropped off other people at various hotels.
When I mentioned to people that I was going to Vegas, they kept saying... its like nothing you have ever seen. Its so big, so so big. Well.... disappointment alert. I really was not that blown away by the vastness of it. I was in my head comparing it to Chicago (downtown) before I even got there and when I learned the strip was 4.1 miles long, thats a cake walk for me! Yes the buildings were large but nothing that really blew me away. It was fantastic to look at though.
Anyways... we made our way to the hotel (Flamingo) and did the whole early check in thing where we could drop off our bags until 3-4ish. Finished doing that and went out to explore. We went across the street to Ceasar's and walked around there for most of the day. I really did not realize how much we had walked inside the hotel until we got out of it. It was very pretty inside. I did fail to take pictures in there because I figured we would be back.... Wrong!! We got lunch at the bbq place there and then walked more and finally made it back to the hotel at 3. Daniel was exhausted by then and I went out to go to the pharmacy and drug store. I of course walked to the store since we did not bring a car. Upon returning it was about 530 (830 our time) and we were both hungry. I was not overly hungry but needed something. Daniel found Casino Royal earlier that day had 1.50 hotdogs and decided thats what he wanted. I just walked to mc donalds and grabbed a side salad and parfait. I knew I was going back to take a nap and didn't want to stuff my face before doing that. Daniel was off to watch Monday night football.
He returned at about 10ish and we watched the fountains light up a few times before heading to bed.
Grand plans for exercise..... It all started Tuesday morning. I decided that I was going to run 4 miles (at least) and go explore a side of Vegas we had not walked the day before. I went down to Mandalay Bay and back. I passed our hotel and then looked at the sky.... dark rain clouds.
Last I checked, Vegas gets about 2 inches of rain a year.... well.. they got 1 inch while we were there! It decided to start raining on my run so I went back to the hotel. Boo. I took the extra time to do work (yes I still work even on vaca) I then got Daniel up and we went out to go explore some more. This time we went the same way I ran. We walked down to NY NY, and MGM. We caught lunch at Ny NY. Daniel got a Ruben and I got some pasta. My pasta was not that awesome.. his sandwich... awesome! Daniel then decided he wanted to ride the roller coaster so he did. I did not. He told me if I closed my eyes it was a waste of $ and I agreed because I knew that is what I would do. I found him after his ride and we went over to MGM. That was a pretty cool place. I liked seeing the lions even though they did sleep for the most part. We grabbed something to drink at MGM and were walking out and low and behold we saw a bunch of people gathering. There also was a ring set up at the entrance. We found out that all the fighters who

were going to fight later in the week were going to be there. So of course we stopped and waited... for an hour and half. We saw Ortiz, Mayweather, and another fighter. AND Daniel got a pic with Mayweather and shook his hand!

After this huge excitement, we called the hotel to see if the pool was open. They said yes so we headed back. When we got there... it was not open. Ugg. So we got ready to go to dinner sooner and then our show. We were both very excited about the night that we were going to have. We both had never been to a show and we were told about this steakhouse that was good.
So we arrived at the steakhouse and sure did feel important. We had someone come talk to us, escort us to our table, place the napkins on our laps, treat us very very well. I would go back there again for sure. We got french onion soup (the best ever!), tomatoes and mozzarella, and each got some steak. Everything was great about this place.
After dinner we made our way to pick up the tickets and found out the show had been canned. Apparently someone got hurt and they canned both shows Tuesday and both Wednesday. We were both caught so off guard that we didnt know what to do. We were offered other shows for the same night but there was limited availability. Daniel wouldnt have minded seeing some shows but I was not impressed with them and really did not want to fork out 100 bucks for the both of us to see something I wasn't interested in. So we moped and then decided to head to Paris and walk around. That ended up being a great idea because we got a free $5 from Paris to play the slots. Daniel did not have the best luck but I won $5!!! I was so excited about that!

Daniel suggested going to try to win more but I just kept what I had. While in Paris we also went to a little shop and had deserts and coffee. I had some chocolate raspberry thing and Daniel had key lime pastry. Both were sooooo good. We also went up to the top of the Eiffel Tower that they have there. I am not sure how tall the real thing is but this one was at least 30+ stories tall. I was a bit scared of being so far up. While up there we got some great pictures of the strip and saw the fountains a few times. We called it a night after Paris.
On Wednesday morning.... I woke up only to find it was flat out pouring rain outside. AGAIN!! I walked downstairs to see if it would clear up and it wouldn't. So.... I went back upstairs and found my $5 winnings and hit the indoor gym. While I was at the gym I got a text from Alex saying she was going back to the hospital. So I texted Val just in case Alex would need her. Luckily, she was released that same day.
When I finally got back upstairs, I told Daniel about the weather and how we were not going to be going to the pool again today. He suggested getting a moneral pass and going up to the stratosphere and then the outlet mall up north as well. So that is what we did.... but first we went and had breakfast at a buffet...mmmm. The buffet had the best strawberries and cream ever!
So off to the north we went. Once we got off the train, we started walking to the outlets. We ended up walking through the slums of Vegas. I would have never done that if Daniel wasn't there. When we got to the outlets, they were overall disappointing. Daniel did score 2 shirts for 97 cents each but besides that...ehhh. I think we are spoiled by the Myrtle Beach outlets. So we found a cab to take us to the stratosphere and decided to go to the top. When we went to pay, they said we would not be able to view because of lightning! Our luck. So we ended up walking back to the train and headed back to mgm, then to excaliber, luxor, and Mandalay bay. We had intentions of going to the shark exhibit there but there was not enough time so we headed back to get ready for dinner and our show. Dinner took forever to be seated. 1.5 hours. But we had time since our show didnt start til 930. We went to see Circ De Sole (Im sure I totally didnt spell that correct) Mystique was the show title. When we went to purchase the tickets we got seats for the balcony. When we got to the theater, we were asked if we wanted better seats. Of course we did! So we were sent to the 4th row!!! That was pretty exciting. During the show we had some of the people come around our chairs. You could see the details of their makeup but what I didn't like was that they were having the audience participate in the show. The audience members were literally a few chairs away! I was nervous that they put us in those seats so have us participate. Thankfully we were not in the show!
After the show Daniel wanted to spend some time down at the casino but my eyes were bothering me super bad. I had to go take out my contacts and then joined him. I ended up wining another .50 that night playing blackjack. Daniel taught me how to play earlier in the week.
The following day (Thursday), it was sunny!!!!!!!!! I was so excited. I went for a run outside and then got ready to pack up and go to the pool. We wanted to be checked out by 850 so we could be at the pool by 9 when it opened. Daniel found us some amazing seats and we laid around for hours and ate pool pizza. Unfortunately our trip in Vegas had to end so we packed up by 1pm and went to grab our bags and get a taxi to the rental car service. So long Vegas....
TBC

Irene and all things windy

So.... for those living under a rock, Irene the mighty Hurricane made landfall this morning on the NC coast. (Poor people!) With that being said, we were not expected to get almost any rain but to have a lot of wind. This past week I have been preparing my mind for a windy, raining run. You see... today I completed another half marathon.
Last night, I had a horrible sleep. This tends to happen before a race. Im not sure if its the nerves or what, but my mind races with wacky dreams. (had a dream about getting a dog in doors... like as a pet!, another of how I had another best friend besides Alex, and I was going to this girls baby shower but before I went, I waked around this neighborhood in the dark and came across this 2 story house that was having a show with Elvis in it.. just weird stuff) Lets just say, I got up early. Forget the alarm, sleep wasnt helping. So I got up, reheated my oatmeal and added yogurt to it. I just couldn't stomach it. It wasnt happening. I have been doing this for a week now but just couldnt this morning. I checked the weather and then went and made my egg mcmuffin sandwich for later. (Its so yummy and easy to make!!)
I got out the door on time and made it to the Y to get organized and meet Alex there. She helped with the registration of people and then stayed to cheer me on. (Did I mention the bestest friend ever!!) I got all organized and made sure my dad still had Alex's number because he came to watch me race. (Bestest Dad ever!!) Dad didnt make it to the race start before the gun went off. The first 4 miles were pretty hilly. Lots of rolling hills but no stray dos in the neighborhoods that we went into. (yeah) I came out of the neighborhood and met Daniel at mile 4.5 (I think). I handed him my gatorade bottle and he handed me my trusty running water bottle. I went off again and was running for a good mile before I noticed that he had written a note on my water bottle that said.... I heart u... u rock! (so sweet!) He clearly thought about that and went into the house after he went to his car to write it on the tape to then tape it to the water bottle. Unfortunately I lost the sticky sometime between mile 7 and 9. At mile 8.56 I met Alex and my Dad. I gave her some shoes, socks, and a gatorade for a trade off. I thought it might rain so that would have been a good time to switch off on shoes. (thankfully I didnt need them) Anyways... while I was running before I saw them, I decided instead of a trade off, I just wanted a refill. Alex was talking to my dad before I got there and said that people stick their hands in the cups, etc... you dont know where they have been blah blah blah. When I was running the water bottle was closed so Alex did what was natural and opened it with her mouth... Ahahahaha!! My Dad joked with her dirty hands (or something like that)! Its ok though... I was appreciative and its not like I dont know her.
So off I was again.. I made it to mile 9 and thought... YES 4 more miles to go! WELL.... lets just say that the race people were not prepared because miles 5.5-11.5 there was NO water and NO gatorade. I was prepared with my camelback and water bottle BUT I was running so low on water it wasnt even funny. The first stop that didn't have any, I was not that concerned over but then there was another and I got mad.. I mean REALLY mad! How was I to spend 50 bucks on a race and have no water or gatorade! I tried to make the best of the situation. I told myself, there has to be another station soon and kept thinking it. I learned that if I just drank gatorade and no water afterwards, I would get cramps in my side. So it was sip the gatorade then the water. Thankfully mile 11.5 came up and I actually stopped and poured out my gatorade and filled most of my water bottle with water. I was so thirsty by then because I was empty on water. Like not a drop left. I told the gals at the station that they were my hero and went on my way. I made it to the finish line and was so thankful to have the race complete. I must say that my watch said 13.32 miles and not 13.1 but whatever. I got a COLD washcloth that was much appreciated. I then heard all the stories of what happened between Alex and my Dad while I was gone. They were all funny but my dad thinks we are dramatic in some respects. (hehehe) We got sodas and sandwiches and sat in chairs inside with ac for a while. Alex told me that there was this girl that we both sort of know and she chatted with her for a bit and the girl told her to tell me to come by her table later. (her table was about moms who stroller jog... Um HELLO!!! I am childless! Anyways... I never went by. What am I supposed to say... nice to see you after almost a year...crickets chirping.. you dont give Alex or me the time of day. Um no.
So my Dad ended up leaving after a while and went to visit Valerie and Alex went on her way too. Overall race report... windy, cloudy, and definitely some stories for later.
O yes... and I now know where the Snyders of Hanover plant is. :) I ran past it.

Beach trip and expenses

So for a few weeks now Valerie and I have been trying to plan a day beach trip. YES all in ONE day!! Life on Valerie's side has been less than terrific recently. Her Mother in Law passed in July and then just a few weeks later, her Father in law was diagnosed with cancer and its not looking good at all. (I mean really not good) So with things being so uncertain as to when her or Josh would be going to visit, it has been difficult to settle on a day to get to the beach. So on Thursday we decided we were going to go Friday. I know... last minute for sure! Less than 24 hours to go and we were planning and packing. I took care of most... I mean All the packing. Valerie has too much on her mind. I told her to bring her suit and a chair if she wanted one. I packed snacks including honeydew (didn't know she didn't like that), nectarines (apparently she doesnt like those either!) apples (she does like those) chocolate skinny cow stuff, granola bars, drinks, and apparently the best trail mix ever. I also had a slew of magazines. What beach trip isnt complete without some good gossip magazine? I picked her up at 630 and we got on the road. We ended up stopping twice on the way down. Once to get breakfast and then another time because I desperately needed coffee. We got down at the beach and suited up at 11. (we made a pitstop in ht for deli meat and a prescription)
We spent the next 4 hours at the beach and they were fantastic. We both took naps, I read, and she people watched. This was the first time in over 2 years since she had been to the beach. (I feel spoiled) Last year when I went with Alex, she showed me that there was a public restroom close to the beach so I parked where I parked with her last year so we could access it. Come 3pm, we went up and sort of rinsed off a bit and changed to go and get to costco for a prescription. Then we went to see Amy (Evan's gfriend) She got a job as a vet in Wilmington and loves it!! After that, it was almost 5 and we had to get on the road. The whole way down to the beach I talked about Smithfields bbq. Valerie had never had it and also never had brunswick stew! SO I introduced her to that on our way back and she loved it. :) We ended up getting home at 845ish and were a little toasted and tired.
Ok... so now onto the expenses... I was prescribed some meds. I had the doc call it in to ht because Alex had told me that they were doing a 20 gift card if you filled a new scrip there. I was super stoked. UNTIL I went to get it and the price was close to 150 bucks!! I was so upset, they didn't have it in stock so they would have to order it so I wasted 30 minutes of my time and it was costly. I walked out of ht practically in tears. How was I not warned that it was going to be so much! I called Daniel and he didn't pick up, then I texted him and he called me within 5 minutes. He tried his best to calm me down and said it was going to be alright, there were worse things in the world, etc. He did help but it was nice to have a good flat out cry over the cost. I just couldn't see taking these drugs for more than just this month for that cost.
Since the pharmacy didnt have the drug, I had them check to see if the ht in wilmington had it. The one that i wanted to go to didnt have a pharmacy but they transferred it to another one. So Valerie and I went there to get the meds and the pharmacist said to me... I hate to tell you but the cost is very expensive... do you still want it. UGGGG AGAIN!? I knew it was pricy! He then said, you might want to try costco or sams club. They can be cheaper there. Just my luck, Valerie knew where Costco was! I called and the price difference was 133 bucks.... CHEAPER!!! I asked them to transfer everything to Costco and I would gladly pick it up! Forget the 20 gift card! I was so relieved. I felt like I caught a break. I felt like I won the lottery! Thank goodness for nice people!

Good times and sad times

First off, I had an amazing time at Alex and Ron's baby shower. It was fun planning it with her mom, it was fun shopping for it and it was fun just being there. Everyone that I talked to had a great time! Alex and Ron I think are now set for Rosalie to enter the world. It seems they have all the essentials. Everyone arrived around 2 for the shower and we had a large spread of food. With two cakes, sandwiches, fruit and veggie platters, etc there was plenty of food to go around. Alex kept the party going with a bunch of stories about the pregnancy. People were laughing with her the whole time while she was opening gifts. I couldn't believe that I was there for 5 hours! WOW!!! It did not seem like that. Time just flew by and before I knew it, everyone was leaving!

On a sad note, Hank Myers (beagle) went to dog heaven today. Hank was an amazing beagle who will be remembered by tilting his head when asked about cheese, wanting to sit in your lap, being best dog friends with Grady and Girly Girl and overall a great dog. Its not going to be the same visiting the house anymore.

no holding back

Gosh its been a while.... so to sum up what has been going on, I had a revelation about 3 weeks ago and am not holding back on things. I found myself holding myself back in certain areas of life and have vowed to change that mindset. For one, I decided to up my running again. It has been hot, very very hot so I have taken it mostly indoors. A few weeks ago, I did a 5k and got second place in my age group. There were not that many people competing but it was hotter than blazes at 8am. I was not happy with my time but I did the best I could with what I had. Since then, I decided that I was going to train for a half marathon. This is set for the end of August. I have not signed up for the race yet because if its going to be 100 that day, I wont do it. I have been training for it though. The course is very flat so a treadmill is what is my pain of choice for long runs. (Last week I did 10)
I am really excited about this race and hope its not going to be a hot day. I have already been dreaming of my race gear, camelback with ice cubes, crasins, water bottle, etc!!

Last week I also started a bootcamp class. I have been stuck in this rut of consistency and could use a little change. It has been a lot of fun doing this class 5 days a week at 530am! I also have started tracking what Im eating again. This is something that I used to do but just got lazy. Tracking what you eat really opens your eyes to what you are putting in your body. (at least it does for me) I have gotten my focus back in this area again. I couldnt believe how much sugar I was taking in! It was ridiculous. Before you start thinking im going type A, relax... Im not. I am just being knowledgeable about my food/health choices. So... there is zero ice cream in the house, limited candy, brownies, cookies, cakes, etc.

Keep an open mind...

Ok... ill be the first to admit when I saw this recipe I though... SUPER GROSS (but had to try it)
ok so here it is and then ill say how I mixed things up...
1 can white beans, 1 can pumpkin w no spices, 1 teaspoon baking soda,2 bars of chocolate, 3 eggs, some cinnamon, nutmeg, and cashews.
First blend the beans in a blender, then add the pumpkin and blend, then eggs, then chocolate, then spices, baking soda, and then cashews.
Put in the oven for 350 for about 30 min.
Ok... so lets face it... I went to the store and there was no pumpkin that had no spices. They were all out! Go figure. So I went back to the veggies. I debated over the sweet potatoes because they were in syrup. (super gross) But I got them anyways and told myself I could rinse them off.
So I got home and did this... drained the beans, put them in the blender and they got stuck! I mean super stuck to the side so out popped my coconut milk (unsweetened). I poured some in there until it got unstuck. I then added the sweet potatoes, only 2 eggs, chocolate, baking soda, cinnamon, and instead of cashews I got some shredded coconut!! I would totally take coconut over cashews any day. (sorry cashews.. I love you but not as much) O and I added some cocoa for a good measure! I ended up putting it in the oven for about 45 minutes and just took it out a little bit ago. I immediately put some in a bowl. It doesn't really taste like cake.. more like BROWNIES!!! AMAZING!!!!

Snow White and what she didn't want!

So..... I have been nicknamed snow white by some... Anyways this morning I got up and got ready to go out, watered my garden, fed the cats and was about to head out the front door when I heard this noise. It only concerned me because of three things. 1. it was loud, 2. Country Biscuit was nervous, 3. Who leaves a dog outside before 7am to bark?
So I scooped up CB and went to the back door to see what the heck was going on. To my surprise I did not find a dog but rather a coyote! O yes! It was a baby and it was "barking" for its momma!
Needless to say, I am not sure if Mr Turtle is around anymore. :(

Sun, Sand, Shopping, Fishing

Sun, Sand, Shopping, and Fishing pretty much sum up last week for Daniel and myself. We left for the beach last Tuesday evening and on our way there we stopped in Sanford to get our 99 cent cookout milkshakes! We always guess as to what the shake of the day would be. It was watermelon. (ick) But that is one of Daniels fav's so he was happy. We also stopped to get the key in Fayetteville and chatted with Randy and Jean for a bit. Onward to the beach we went! I was so excited to relax and get some sun. It has been a long first half of the year. A lot has been going on with work and personal life and I just needed a "timeout".
The first day we were there we were on the pier fishing and I saw a SHARK!! How entertaining!!! Daniel and I also went to a new restaurant which we really liked a lot. During the week we went shopping at the outlets and mall, got a lot of sun, went out to golden griddle, Rios, Carolina Roadhouse, Kings Pizza, and Good Fellas. All were amazing!!
During the trip, I had some really good runs. It was very hot but last week Alex and I were talking and I maybe talked myself into doing the Kernersville half which is August 27th! SO... with that being said, I need to train when its muggy and warmer than 60 degrees outside. :)
I am happy to report that my runs went better than I expected. Its like for some reason my legs just were floating all week! I wouldn't call it effortless, because running just isn't, but it was easier and I was faster than before consistently.
Anyways... we are back to the daily grind of wake up, gym, work, home.

Cut my time

This past weekend.. yes Im late posting, I did another 10k and beat my time by over a minute!! The race was in Gboro so I was happy that it was more local than the last one. I woke up and just didnt feel like eating anything. This has been the case this past week. I think its because I have been waking up at 6 instead of 645 and my body is still in sleep mode instead of eat mode. Anyways I did slam some cottage cheese and fruit down my mouth and went to pick up Alex.
I got there 5 minutes early (oops) better early than late! It was nice to have another runner to go to the race with. And I might add Alex's outfit made me jelous! She was all color coordinated from her shirt down to her shoes!! Pink top, black shorts, black and pink compression socks that were LONG and pink on her shoes. Me... red white and blue. (and no... I did not plan this and did not even realize that I was dressed "festive" until about mile 5.5 of the race).
Anyways about a week before the race Alex and I signed up for this "daily deal" and got our tickets to race for super cheap.. woooooo!!! We found our line and got our race bib and just sat around and waited til the race was to start. We ran into Brad, (Alex used to coach with him) and some stranger said hi to me in the bathroom (im sure they thought I was Val).
The race people decided to do the national anthem about 10 minutes before the race start so we all hurried up and waited. Then we had to wait even longer because there was something wrong with some of the bibs. IDK what is was but anyways...
I started off strong on the race and was sure to watch my breathing and not get caught up with everyone else. If I just relax, I wont cramp up in my stomach. The race went by very fast and then when I was near the finish I saw Alex and Ron. So supportive!! I raced into the finish and had to get some cold water... it was a hot one but good one.

10k

So I had been debating on if I wanted to do a 10k this year. Summer races are not my favorite. I would prefer to race in 35 degree temps but I do like just running (not racing) in the heat. I figured it was just an hour out of my day and why not? So earlier in the week I signed up.
I got out the door a few minutes later than what I wanted to and was driving a little over the speed limit (only 5) to get to the race only to have 30 minutes to spare. I will say that the signs of where to get your gear was not marked very well. I did find it and a bathroom! I was set. I had my garmin, race hat, music, water bottle, and a goo just in case.
The race ended up not starting on time. It started at 8:07 which I found annoying. Apparently there were some late comers to the race. I understand that people get lost or things happen but everyone else was ready to go!! I started in the front of the pack and got my pace. There were not that many people in the race which was pretty nice.
I kept my pace for quite some time which was under 10mm. There were a few points where the heat just got to me and I had to walk when I grabbed water the last 3 times. The sun was beating down and there was no shade in sight. We all ran by wheat fields. (no trees)
At mile 5ish, I got the nagging side stitch that always seems to find me. I slowed for a bit and readjusted my race belt which really seemed to help a lot. I then took off at a 9:30pace for the rest of the race.
I finished under an hour.. 59 min and some odd seconds. (I think 49).
I will say that the food that they had there was AMAZING! They did such a great job at providing snacks and great food. I could choose from (or take all) fruit, cookies, bagels, chick fil a , dominos, water bottles, etc!!
I wasnt able to stay for the awards because I had to get to work but it would have been fun... who knows... maybe I placed?

Did someone say strawberries??

Ok... I just have to say... this time of year is my fav! Growing up, my parents had a garden and all sorts of stuff that they grew. What they didnt grow, we went to go get. So when I was younger we would go and blueberry pick at a farm, we would also strawberry pick when we didnt have any at the house, we went apple picking, peach picking, etc. You name it, I picked it or we grew it. Rhubarb? Why of course!
This past week I have been strawberry picking twice! They are SO wonderful and juicy and sweet and the perfect color. I also decided to make strawberry jam. It was soooo easy! I got some pointers from Jean and my mom. I had planned on sharing the jam but its almost all gone. I have eaten 3/4 of it. I put it in my cottage cheese, made sandwiches, and ate it out of the container.
I want to make more so I just might later on. Homemade jam has nothing on the store bought mess. I had no idea how amazing homemade jam is. Its SO good, I almost want to make a huge stockpile of it! and did I mention... its so easy to make!
I think my next challenge will be blueberry jam.

Beach trip..

So last week... yes i am behind because I have been so busy with work and when i get home, i just dont want to see a computer anymore. So.. last week Daniel and I went for a mini vaca to the beach! I have been needing a refresher so this was good for me. There is just something about Cherry Grove/Myrtle that I LOVE! Anyways... I had these grand plans to get a good tan and read my magazines, do a little shopping, fishing, socializing, etc. Thursday shaped up to be the PERFECT shopping day!! Daniel and I got up and headed out to the outlet malls. I had my mind set on finding the perfect bag, more work clothes, and some shoes. Lets just say I failed but Daniel did amazing. He was able to score 5-6 shirts, 2 pairs of pants, gym shoes, etc. Like I said... he really scored big time! All those items were under 100 for everything! whooop! whooop!!
Daniel had made a comment before we left that he didnt think we would be out all day... I packed some snacks and a drink because I thought otherwise. We walked around the first outlet and I was so tired. AND starving! I had woken up early to go running in the am and then only had a small breakfast. So by the time we were finished at outlet #1 it was close to 3pm and the snacks were in the car. boooooo.... So we got 5 guys fries to snack on and that made a huge difference. :)
We then went to the other outlet and took much less time there and I did not find anything. I tried on some items but they just didn't catch my eye.
After shopping, Daniel and I decided (well I did) that we were going to go to Carolina Roadhouse. There is something special about their rolls there AND their chef's salad. I wish I could figure out their secret ingredient because both are amazing. So I got my salad as I wanted and the roll for dinner and Daniel got some big hunk of meat that he shared with me and oysters. (I didnt eat those)
The next day started off the same... light breakfast and a run. We then went to see the new boat that Randy and Jean had gotten and their property in Cherry Grove. The community is beautiful and a close drive to the beach. Jean and I went back to the condo and Daniel and Randy went to dock the boat. I wanted to get a bit of sun before it went away because the clouds were rolling in. So i got my items together and went to the pool. It felt good to relax but I couldnt help thinking about work stuff.... I needed my brain to not think and just read useless mindless scribble but I just couldnt turn it off! Jean came down eventually with sad news... thats another story.
Anyways... it started really looking like rain after an hour so we both went back up and near the end of the day we all watched a movie and I took a nap. I woke up to amazing cheeseburgers with onions already cooked inside (genesis!)
The next day started off much like the first two but I went a different route on running and it was way shorter because the day before a crow almost bit off my ear while I was running... not sure why?? I then met everyone at the pier to fish for the day. I of course got a chair out and got some sun and read mindless dribble for the day. The fish were not biting much but we were able to take some fish home. (a flounder, blues, whitings)
From the fishing came the packing..... it was time to go home... I had to work the following day and it was sure to be a busy day at work.

ups and downs

This past week at work has been up and down. Busy and slow. The weather is the same way. Sunny then stormy. On a positive note, I have a new neighbor... a bird decided to make a nest outside my model office door and has 7 eggs in the nest! Too cool!!
Last Friday was a fantastic day. Alex and I got a good workout in and girl time then went to Red Lobster with her Mom and Grandma. I never in my life have been to Red Lobster so it was a first! The food was great but the biscuits were AMAZING! Afterwards, we went to go register for baby stuff at Babys r us. I think everyone got the idea to do that because it was super busy there... at least I thought it was for a friday midday. Anyways, Alex got registered and went around looking at different things to put on her registry. There is just so much STUFF there! How can one decide between lambs and monkeys? Its all just so darn cute! Everyone gave tips on different items and I think we were all pretty tired after our almost 2 hour extravaganza.
This coming weekend Caitlyn is coming into town. I have taken Saturday off so we can spend time together. I only get to see her every so many months now that she is in Albany.

Ice Cream....

So a few months ago I decided to purchase a groupon (gift card) for a frozen yogurt place. I had been a few times in the past and wanted to do a girls night for my birthday.... Well as things happen everyone was busy on that weekend so tonight we got the girls together and went to Frozatos for frozen yogurt. Alex had never been to a place like that before so she got the "run down". I was the last one to arrive because I was coming from work and Sunday's are always the busiest day of the week if its a nice day outside.
So we all got our ice cream and had a good time. Just girl talk and stuffing our faces. I think I ate wayyyyy too much ice cream.. my eyes were way bigger than my mouth. O well... it was so good!

birthday week

I must say I had much more planned out to type about my birthday and the whole week in general. BUT.... I slammed my finger in the door at work and now it hurts like crazy, is black and blue, and cut bad. (not bad enough for a doctor visit, but annoying enough to only be able to peck at the computer when typing.) SOOO short story on the birthday
Had breakfast with Grandma, Aunt Jane, and Daniel at I hop... got my chocolate chip pancakes.
Went to see a movie. Didn't see what we originally planned but saw source code. It was good.
Went to the mall and got a free hand massage and scrub and body wash!
Went to dinner.. ordered chili and fries.... made my own chili cheese fries instead of buying the normal appetizer... it was less expensive and just enough
Saw Dave Attell. He was great!
Drove home in terrible weather (well Daniel drove)
It was a great birthday! I can't believe I'm way closer to the big 30! It seems like it was just yesterday I was freeking out about being 20!

Let Freedom RING!!!

Ok.. maybe exaggerating a bit but I have been keeping the biggest secret ever for some time now and finally I can talk about it. Alex and Ron are expecting in October... the 15th to be exact. Words can't say how excited, thrilled, happy, etc I am for them!! I of course have been secretly going to the baby section of Target and other stores scoping out the good deals for Alex since her all time least fav thing to do is shop. :) And I LOVE to find a bargain. We have started a tab for me to go shopping for maternity clothes and baby items for her. I must say I have found some deals. Dress slacks for 7 bucks, a shirt for .74 and a few other things to start the list. Anyways.. I am really excited if you havn't noticed. Everyone is happy and healthy.
On a few other notes... this week is my birthday... the big old 27 is lingering and will rear its head in all but a few hours. Sweet Tea will be 7 tomorrow too. We share a birthday and we actually adopted her on our anniversary (years in advance).
So today Alex and I went to Red Robin for dinner and split a burger and an ice cream sundae. I also got sung to (my all time hated thing ever... well the birthday song to be exact)
O and when I got home today I had a sample paint kit on my front door. So.... I decided to paint the upstairs bathroom. Its a light greyish blue. Very nice! I of course have to go get the whole paint can now. But it sure looks loads better than the bright green that was in there.. what was I thinking????

Chicagoooooo!!

Well last week (I cant believe it has already been a week) Alex and I made our way to Chicago! Tuesday evening we spent at Daniel's Grandma's place since our flight was SO early (7am). I was in charge of food for the trip and brought dinner for the night. We had breaded chicken, sugar snap peas, and 2 types of desert ;)
I woke up at 4:59 the next morning to get a jump start on the day. I know Im weird with my wake up times. O well... We got to the airport and had plenty of time to relax and eat our free bagels for breakfast. Our flight was interesting to say the least. First the turbulence was terrible! The gals behind me were chatting on how they were scared half the time and the other half they were talking about vet stuff and how to fix a cat! The other half of the trip I apparently fell asleep on the shoulder of the guy next to me. (He was HUGE!) I swear he took up half my seat!
We made it to Chicago safe and sound and my grandma picked us up to go to downtown for a day with her! We wandered all around downtown in the car since it was an icky day and then parked to take a look inside macy's (marshal fields). They have the most amazing decor in there! Its like a palace! We then found a big time steal of a parking space for 4 bucks and parked the car there for us to get some pizza at ginos. Its deep dish pizza and it was so good!
After lunch we ended up going back to the condo and seeing Grandpa. I was warned before I went to Chicago that Grandpa was loosing his memory and I would be asked the same thing many times. He would not be the same as I had remembered. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was different and he talked a lot about the war and asked about the homes that I grew up in. He has a very good long term memory but short term... not so much.
My mom's sister came by after dinner and spent time with us for an hour or so. Its nice to see her and hear what is going on in her life. She now has 2 grandchildren! Its hard to believe.
We called it a night after a while and when we woke up the next morning it was something like this....


WOW!!!! What a treat! Alex and I were blown away and had to take a picture! Go Grandma!
We had plans to go to Alex's, Grandma's, Cousin's house for the remainder 2 days. Her name is Joyce. So Grandma dropped us off at her house and then went off to work. Lets just say I never expected to go to a house that was on lake shore drive! Can you say what a view?!?!? Her dining room and family room overlooked lake Michigan and she shared a place with some other super neat people.
Joyce drove us around the city both days and explained a lot of things to us. We ate polish food, jewish food, and other food. We saw a lot of Alex's family over the next two days. I felt like we just ate our way around Chicago. We went to the 95th floor for lunch one day with Alex's cousin.


We had a tour of Millinium park, went to fanny mae chocolates, and walked around Navy Pier.
The weirdest thing that happened during the trip was how we got to my hometown.... Alex made plans to see her cousin at her house for dinner. Alex handed me the phone to get directions on how to travel by train to her house... WELL.... we didnt need directions because she lives in my hometown! How weird!!! I knew exactly where to go and what exit to get off on... unfortunatly we were a bit too excited and took the express train and bypassed LaGrange and had to backtrack. We got stuck in Downers Grove which we named Downersville. :)


Overall... everything was good. Alex and I had a good time with a lot of laughs... especially during the plane ride back.

race report...

So I decided pretty much last minute that I wanted to run a half marathon. I had this feeling that I just had to do it. There are slim pickings out there for half marathons that are not already closed due to overwhelming participation and of course I wanted to stay fairly close to home. After talking with my Dad, he took off work and was my "coat hanger" Hehehe. I spent Friday night in Charlotte with my parents. I woke up pretty early, had all my items together and got on the road to downtown. I found my race bib, race tshirt and waiting for an hour until the race started. Dad took my stuff and went to go meet me at the 7 mile marker. (I thought it was more around mile 5.5 but o well) I told him to meet me there at a certain time to get my running coat from me and then find me at the finish line. Here is a run down of the things I saw before, during, and after the race...
A man had a bird poop on him, a guy putting fire down his mouth, a juggler, someone on stilts, a man running in docker shorts and a polo, some crazy colored pants, a homeowner handing out pancakes, lots of cheerleaders, 2 bands, lots of cops, and someone running with a crying kid in a stroller. I think I was mostly shocked by the fire eating man. Never seen that in real life before!
During the race I was well aware of my hydration until I got somewhere around mile 9ish because come mile 10, I got the hydration cramps. grrrr!! I was doing SO GOOD up until then.
Regardless, I finished the race. My garmin said 2:19 with a running of 13.23miles (not 13.1) but the chip time said 2:20. Its better than November, not as good as last Charlotte race. Also, a very hilly course. Overall happy with the time, but I was most happy about the amount of volunteers and how organized the race was. It was by far the best organization I have seen! So big high five to all the volunteers. They make ALL the difference!!
My next goal is to focus a bit more on hills and sign up for a race in April and get a faster time on the next race.

highlights of February

February came and went. There was a week (Valentines week) that I had to go to a conference in Charlotte for work. I have never been so tired from sitting and listening than I was that week. Each day required me to get up before the sun to get a workout in, then to each a prompt breakfast followed by listening until 5 and then a scheduled dinner and drinks each night. I was able to visit my parents for a bit while I was there. I then came home and the following day I slept so much.
After that time, I decided to get back and do a half marathon. I trained for it but did not make up my mind until a little bit ago. The race is this Saturday. Its in Charlotte and my goal is to finish. I also am hydrating like crazy because I believe that is what lead to my terrible stomach cramps in November. (miles 2-7 were bad) So I have a goal to finish but secretly I have a personal goal.
Over the past month I have also mastered the following things... samoa girl scout cookies, beef and broccoli (its better than the chinese place we get it from) and Mcdonalds fruit and maple oatmeal.
The first accomplishment came from finding out that the girl scout cookies are 4 bucks a box and that very little proceeds actually go to the scouts. So I found my own way of doing things. My next batch I plan to put chocolate on the bottom of the cookies, unlike what I did the first time.
The second came from me being hungry and looking in the freezer and seeing everything I needed.
The third came from me getting multiple free coupons to md's and deciding that the maple stuff they put in the oatmeal is pointless (in my opinion) and adds more unneeded calories and knowing I had everything at home. Shabang I had great tasting oatmeal!

odds and ends

Well... as I have aged, I have found out of course more about myself. One thing that I have noticed the most when looking at what I do/dont do.... I have become super extra picky on different items that I want to or have purchased. For instance... I have been looking for a different winter coat for a few months. What sparked this was that I am going to Chicago and realized that I have a nice red peacoat but my other heavier jacket is no less than 10 years old. It has stains on it and has seen better days. I purchased it when I was in high school. I decided that I needed to get a nicer staple in my wardrobe. I have looked at many stores, the internet, tried on jackets from my sister, etc. I saw some jackets that I really liked but the price tag was way too much for what I wanted to pay.. (think 150-200+) In my opinion, that much money is wasted. I believe that you should be able to find a good jacket for less than $100. So the hunt was on.
Yesterday before I met Alex for lunch I went into a store that I had never been in. I only had about five minutes and there it was.... THE PERFECT JACKET! My perfect jacket had to have these qualities in it... water resistant, warm, zip pockets, zip and snap up the front, a good color, waste length, classy, and an inside pocket. This fit the bill. And best of all it was discounted 75% off! I was so excited and beside myself! I asked the gal to hold the jacket for me until after lunch. She did and I picked it up and now have pretty much not taken it off because it is so warm and cozy and cute!
On another high note, Alex (iron dawg) got a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is so excited and I am for her! She has been searching for over a year and found a great company and will get to travel!
Also.... only a month and a half til we go to Chicago! :)
Below is my jacket! SO CUTE!

http://www.amazon.com/Eddie-Bauer-Classic-Jacket-Petite/dp/B0046V9CH6/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1296942719&sr=8-2

highlights

So last weekend (well my weekend workwise) Thurs/Fri Daniel and I went to Fayetteville for a late Christmas to visit Randy and Jean. We have made it a "thing" to stop on our way over there to get cookout milkshakes. They have 99 cent specials every week. This time it was Heath bar. MMM
Anyways... here are some more highlights of the "weekend"
- I have a new nickname
- I got in my first outdoor run since Thanksgivig (thanks to all the snow)
- I indulged in Cheetos, burgers, and pork.
- got dunkin donuts AND ate them in the truck on the way back to the house!
- spent good quality time with family. :)

haircut

Well... a few weeks ago I saw some pictures of me during Christmas and I was taken back by HOW much my hair was out of control! So I decided to make an appt to get my hair cut. I made an appt a couple weeks ago and went this past Thursday. I had the gal cut off 3 inches of my hair and she thinned it out, added layers, etc. I got home later that night and I felt so much different. I MISSED my hair! I understand that there was just way too much of it but that length! I havn't had that much of a hair cut since summer of 2006. I went about my night and all of friday. I met Alex for lunch, picked up Val to take her to the airport, and spent time with Daniel.
Apparently it cant be that obvious because Alex had to ask, Valerie never said anything and I havn't heard a peep out of Daniel. But i know that there is so much less... I think I just have to get used to it. (It doesnt look bad... just different)

lost

Well happy new year! It has been since before Christmas that I have posted anything here. I did not mean for it to go that way but every time I went to do something, I got busy with life, work, etc, OR just had no interest. So.. here we go...
First off, since I had last posted, I have made 4 more dishes of sweet potato stuff, had Christmas at my house and my parent's house, gotten so busy at work (2 contract in the Christmas week) and both of those future homeowners wanted to close within 2-3 weeks.
So we visited with Tony, Charity, Daniel's mom, Stephen, Grandma, Jane, My parents, my siblings, 3 of my aunts, 3 uncles, their children, my grandparents, and a few more. We had Daniel's family at our home the Sunday before Christmas and had a good time as usual. I had to be at work for that day so I got home later when everyone was there.
When we went to my parent's house, we knew that we were to expect snow. I had Alex call when it started snowing bad and I had to tell my parents. I felt SO terrible. I know that I hurt their feelings so bad and I did my best to console my mother. I tried explaining to her that its better I leave then to not have be around for another Christmas (in case I got hurt). We ended up staying later than what we wanted to but we did make it back alright. Greensboro was bad right when we got into the city. We slid on some roads and I got heartburn because I was so scared!
Since Christmas, I have been even more gung-ho about getting the most out of my workouts. One of my fav things from Christmas was my gymboss timer. Its pink and is my boss at the gym. I watch workouts from bodyrock.tv and then preform them by myself at the gym or at home if I cant get to the gym.
Yesterday I did this one workout (which was a couple days too late). Pull ups, burpees, right squat, left squat. Repeat 10 times. Each round is 20 seconds on 10 seconds off. Lets just say my back is sore today. I think I did close to 80 pullups!
But alas, today is another snow day. I have been hanging with the cats all day. Country Biscuit is actually snuggled on my lap right now staring at my hands typing away. He also rooted me on when I did my daily exercise and 8 piece watched me attempt to put together a carpet cleaner. I gave up and Im waiting on Daniel to come home. He does so much better with things like that.