I have a secret

I have been keeping a huge secret. Well... I wouldn't call it a secret, just kept things private. Here it goes. I have been battling infertility for over a year. There I said it.. well wrote it. The only people who have know have been my Mom, sisters, and Alex. It really is not something that you bring up in conversation so there really is not a good way to tell someone. So now that my secret is out here is the back story.
March of 2010 Daniel and I nailed down a month we were going to just stop using birth control. That month rolled around back in 2010 and things seemed to be ok. But then two months passed and the third month I knew something was wrong because I did not have my period. My body, in the past, before meds was always spot on. I could time things happening. When nothing happened and no positive test, I had blood drawn. It came back negative and I was put on some drugs to make me start. So the next month came along with normalcy and I thought everything was ok. Until the following month showed up with the same scenero. This time, I knew something was really not right but the doc I was seeing insisted nothing was wrong and put me back on some meds for things to go "normal". Well the next month I ended up getting tested for multiple things. Daniel had mentioned it was probably from over exercising, I knew that was not the case. And the test results came back that I was not over exercising but that I did have "issues". I was then started on Clomid to try to get my body back to where a normal person should be. I did this for 2 months and really started to wonder if the doc I was seeing really had my best interest in mind. I felt she was not listening to me and not really concerned about my situation. I was frustrated so I went and got another opinion. Actually 2. I ended up going to a specialist with my records and sat down with her very bluntly and laid it all on the table. I told her how I felt, my frustrations, my concerns, etc. She immediately scheduled some blood work to see some things because she was concerned of some levels in my body. Turns out, my results came back and I have PCOS! Figures! I mean hello... classic symptoms of blood work issues and no period without meds to make it come. She started me on some drugs to get me going and we had a great relationship starting. Fast forward 3-4 more months and I have now been diagnosed with resistance to Clomid, you know, the drug that is supposed to help me. This was determined by blood work every month. My levels in my body were just not responding the way they should have. Some people just dont work out with this med. So on to a new one. I am now on Femara. (Yes the drug for Breast Cancer). I have been on it for a few months now and my blood work has come back much better thankfully. I have also been poked and prodded so many times now I can not keep track. I have the most extensive medical history report that I have every seen. I have had the worst emotions, mood swings, hot flashes, and down right sobs and buckets of crying for so long now. Every month my emotions get to me. I have turned to organic and natural cleaning and health and beauty products, I have stopped exercising as much, I have given up things such as alcohol and caffeine during certain times. I have put races and long training runs on the back burner, etc.
This month after nothing happened, I just gave up on keeping this a secret. I flat out told someone a few days ago because they made a comment and all I could do was say..." I may not be able to have children. I have infertility issues." With that being said, please please keep in mind when talking to others, not just me, when asking if people have children. I know that is something that most do not find offensive or upsetting but it can be. It puts people who are in a situation like mine... well upset.
So.... please if you do not mind, pass this along. There are so many people out there with these problems. Healthy fit individuals, and people just keep quiet about it. I am ready to share my situation with others only to help them with their journey or to help people understand the shoes that I have been in.
Because of quick thinking and research I have been able to cut down the time it has taken me to get this far. There are tools to help others out there and sometimes it just takes a hand to guide you.
My best friend Alex has been one of the biggest rocks for me to talk to. I am sure we prob have spent a total of a whole month talking about this if you add all the phone calls, emails, and long chats. If I did not have her, I am not sure I could have made it this far.
The blog below has been a great help to me. She explains exactly how it feels to be in my situation. I could not have said it any better. I was so moved by her blog that I emailed her back and forth for guidance and suggestions.
http://www.runnerstrials.com/2011/03/28/the-emotions-i-dont-want-to-feel/
And lastly, I have been saying I for a lot of the post, if not most, but Daniel has also been effected by it. Of course not in the same way as me. He gets the cranky, upset, downright emotional bride that he married to deal with. But his dreams of a family are on hold just like mine. When people ask him about kids, he really just doesnt know what it say. He has been supportive but sometimes also just doesnt know what to say. Men have different brains than women so he does sometimes say things that just do not make sense. He did say something a few times about how it should not define me, just be a part of me. I understand that and it doesn't define me. It is just something that I will have to try to control with medicine for the rest of my life. I will have to get used to going to the doctor monthly, getting blood drawn monthly, and pick up my expensive prescriptions monthly as well.