To say 2011 has been a year of sunshine, flowers, and rainbows is a total LIE! It has been filled with shorter races, a lot of talking things out outloud, long cries, a lot of crying, and well lets face it, more crying. Some cries were good ones such as when Rosalie was born. (good cry) Most other cries were sad cries. A lot of them were done in private, some in front of Daniel, my mom, Alex especially, and then some holding on to Country Biscuit (the eldest cat). It has been a struggle to stay positive knowing your body has failed you in the one way you never thought it would. AND you still do not know why!
This past week was ANOTHER doctor's visit. I was really really hopeful for this visit but it lead to sorrow and a lot more of... crying! I went in for an ultrsound to see how my body was progressing only to find out that I could not go in for an IUI because it landed on a holiday weekend and no one was open. Daniel and I decided we would try it this time and then take time off. The original plan was to take 2 months off. I LOVE TO PLAN! Anyways... we have had more talks and we will be taking off until further notice. If you skipped the first paragraph, go back and read it. We are taking off until further notice because it is bringing so much sorrow and unhappiness to our lives that we can NOT go on any further. Both of us are unhappy with how this is changing us, and we realize its not for the better. We have to focus on us.
So... the towel has been thrown in. I do still want to find out what exactly is wrong with me since its a mystery. I would like to go see a endocrinologist to get a full workup. But I am so tired of the drugs. So tired of the hot flashes, headaches, sadness, being poked, blood drawn, shots, pills, doc visits, etc. I am tired of broken dreams month after month.
SO with that being said, Daniel and I are going to a support group starting in January. Alex mentioned that there was one that was local. Hopefully I will meet some people who I can relate to. I guess fortunately for others but not for me, I know of no one who is in my situation. I have no one to talk to who knows how I feel. Just people that listen to me and give support. (not that it is a bad thing)
Also, I have signed up for a marathon. I did today. I have been training since before Christmas and need an outlet. Running helps me in more ways that the average person understands. Its an outlet for me. I can just run and focus on me. I can work through my problems, situations, goals, etc. I am not reliable for anyone but myself. This is a goal that I can complete (as long as no injury). It is obtainable. It is something that I want, can, and will do. Of course it doesn't hurt that it will be at the beach. :)
So my goals for this year are as follows... go back to basics. Spend quality time with family and friends. Focus on myself in a good way. Make obtainable goals that have nothing to do with the medical field. Live a healthier more balanced life. (not that I dont already but further improve), Travel to parts of the US such as NY, Kansas, and maybe Mississippi, buy another rental property, and I would like to look into volunteering or donating more.
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