When do you throw in the towel?

To say 2011 has been a year of sunshine, flowers, and rainbows is a total LIE! It has been filled with shorter races, a lot of talking things out outloud, long cries, a lot of crying, and well lets face it, more crying. Some cries were good ones such as when Rosalie was born. (good cry) Most other cries were sad cries. A lot of them were done in private, some in front of Daniel, my mom, Alex especially, and then some holding on to Country Biscuit (the eldest cat). It has been a struggle to stay positive knowing your body has failed you in the one way you never thought it would. AND you still do not know why!
This past week was ANOTHER doctor's visit. I was really really hopeful for this visit but it lead to sorrow and a lot more of... crying! I went in for an ultrsound to see how my body was progressing only to find out that I could not go in for an IUI because it landed on a holiday weekend and no one was open. Daniel and I decided we would try it this time and then take time off. The original plan was to take 2 months off. I LOVE TO PLAN! Anyways... we have had more talks and we will be taking off until further notice. If you skipped the first paragraph, go back and read it. We are taking off until further notice because it is bringing so much sorrow and unhappiness to our lives that we can NOT go on any further. Both of us are unhappy with how this is changing us, and we realize its not for the better. We have to focus on us.
So... the towel has been thrown in. I do still want to find out what exactly is wrong with me since its a mystery. I would like to go see a endocrinologist to get a full workup. But I am so tired of the drugs. So tired of the hot flashes, headaches, sadness, being poked, blood drawn, shots, pills, doc visits, etc. I am tired of broken dreams month after month.
SO with that being said, Daniel and I are going to a support group starting in January. Alex mentioned that there was one that was local. Hopefully I will meet some people who I can relate to. I guess fortunately for others but not for me, I know of no one who is in my situation. I have no one to talk to who knows how I feel. Just people that listen to me and give support. (not that it is a bad thing)
Also, I have signed up for a marathon. I did today. I have been training since before Christmas and need an outlet. Running helps me in more ways that the average person understands. Its an outlet for me. I can just run and focus on me. I can work through my problems, situations, goals, etc. I am not reliable for anyone but myself. This is a goal that I can complete (as long as no injury). It is obtainable. It is something that I want, can, and will do. Of course it doesn't hurt that it will be at the beach. :)
So my goals for this year are as follows... go back to basics. Spend quality time with family and friends. Focus on myself in a good way. Make obtainable goals that have nothing to do with the medical field. Live a healthier more balanced life. (not that I dont already but further improve), Travel to parts of the US such as NY, Kansas, and maybe Mississippi, buy another rental property, and I would like to look into volunteering or donating more.

Family... part... 1 and 2

Family... Christmas and Family go hand in hand for me. This year was no exception. The past few years, we have been hosting Daniel's mom's side of the family at our home for an early Christmas. We had early Christmas the Thursday before Christmas. Daniel's brother, sister in law, and little girl came in the night before to spend some time with us. I was able to get out of work a little early that day and thank goodness because I totally procrastinated food prep, and cleaning big time! I made dinner in the crock pot, was cooking breakfast for the morning, and other side dishes for the following day. I wanted to make sure I had time to spend with everyone instead of my whole day in the kitchen. We had a good evening and I went to bed at a decent hour because the following day was a 10.5 mile run.
I got up, ran, and then came back to prepare appetizers for everyone. The rest of the crew showed up and we had food while opening up gifts. This allowed for maximum time with Hannah (niece) before she went down for a nap. It also made for some extra yummy food and new recipes to try out. :)
This year was no exception. Daniel deep fried the turkey. It of course came out amazing as always.
All in all we had a good time. Everyone stayed much later than previous years because we were able to start earlier. So the whole day was spent with family instead of just the evening. Daniel thought of the idea and I think it worked out best for everyone.
Friday the 23rd Val and I went on a walk. She informed me that Evan and Caitlyn were going to be in Charlotte visiting that night along with her. How was I left out of the loop? Anyways, a quick decision concluded to me packing my bags for the night and driving to Charlotte to visit the fam. Since Evan lives in Mississippi and Caitlyn in NY, I see them about once a year. :(
My father especially has instilled family values in my head. Heck... I dont know if he could have stuffed more about family values in my head if he wanted to! (not a bad thing) Anyways, I value my siblings VERY much and appreciate every second I spend with them. (well almost... sometimes there is drama and pms)
So 99.9% of the time we all have fun. Saturday started with a 8.6 mile run outside followed by a trip to Trader Joes, lunch with Mom and then me driving back home. I drove 4 hours more over the holidays just to see my siblings for a few extra hours both Friday and Saturday. O yes, and to have dinner with my grandparents who I also see about once a year.
Saturday night was eventful as well. Lets just say that the neighbors across the street were having a party and their guests parked all up in my grass and NOT in theirs. I was in my pj's and changed to march over there and demand they move or I would tow. I know... not very Christmas spirit, etc but when they told me that they asked their guest to not park in their grass and then they parked in mine, all niceness went away! Also that night, Daniel and I had dinner together and watched Chevey Chase and the Christmas movie!!
Christmas morning started off with another 5 mile run. I had a great time... like really my body was all in sync and my miles were faster. Anyways, Daniel and I packed up and drove to Charlotte for the day. We stopped in Waffle House for breakfast as we do every year. It was super tasty and a good halfway point. When we got to my parents, we hung out, opened presents, took family photos and ate ate ate! There were 21 people who ended up showing up. Yes 21! Valerie did such an awesome job (as she always does in organizing) and set up an email list of food that people were bringing. SO this year we did not have 3 fruit trays. :)
We stayed until after dark and then drove back home with Caitlyn. Her and I fell asleep the whole way back. We dropped her off at her boyfriend's parents place because she had to go back home to NY the next day. :(
I was so wiped out that I went to bed right when I got home. Sorry cats.... mom is tired.

Don't look...

This morning Val and I went on a 5 mile walk through her neighborhood and the country club that is attached. We were at about mile 3.5 when Valerie took my arm and said quick over here (we crossed the street)... don't look. Don't look? At what? I noticed there was something in the road so I thought that she had seen a dead cat or something. Nope.... she saw a buck hanging from a tree with its guts taken out and drained. I did not believe her and of course HAD to look. I couldn't help but laugh and laugh. All Valerie could say was... I think Im going to vomit, my stomach is turning, etc. I just laughed and laughed. I was very intrigued but also thought... this is a country club. Isn't it against the hoa to hang a buck from a tree with its guts hanging out?
Chuckle chuckle.

soiled pants, spit up, and the race that wasn't

So a recap of last week. I was honored to spend my "weekend" with Rosalie since mom and dad went back to work. I received a detailed email weeks in advance on what to expect, etc. I arrived early on Thursday only to find no one home. Immediately I panicked. Did I go to the wrong place? Wrong time? I called Alex and no answer.. then Ron shows up with Rosalie. PHEW! Ron got her settled and did not want to leave. I could see he would rather spend time with Rosalie than go to work. Who wouldn't? Rosalie and I hung out all day. I took some pictures and sent them to Alex and updated via email when possible. On day one, I got spit up twice on my shirt. O well. It was part of signing up for the job. On day 2, my pants were soiled. Rosalie was eating and all of a sudden something was warm and wet. Of course I knew what it was and with quick thinking, she went straight to the changing table minus the bottle and quickly got changed. I think it was part user error and part full diaper. Anyways... lesson learned! The day went by so fast both days. I tried the second day to bring a watch with me to remember when I fed, changed, she slept, etc. My watch was getting in the way so I just kept the phone close to me... after all it has a clock on it.
On to race day.... I for some reason always still get super nervous when going out to do a race. Any race over a 5k is nerve racking to me but I love it! Saturday was no different. I got up, got my act together, grabbed my stuff and headed to WS for the race. I got there early and hung out in my car. I knew where the race was starting was a particular difficult area for me to navigate. I have gotten myself lost and in a fit over being lost many times. I also was warned that there was not much parking there. I knew that after the race I would have to go to work so I wanted to be close to the shower area. I went and picked up my registration which was pretty easy and then just sat and waited. I ate a pbj and surfed the internet on my phone. 15 minutes before the race started, someone announced that it would be delayed. Uggg. I had to get to work. I quickly calculated time frames and realized I would be late to work if I did do the half marathon. With a sad and angry heart I realized that the 5k would have to do for the day. There had to have been some reason for me not being able to do the half. I knew I had a calf cramp the night before and it was sore so who knows... anyways I went out to get in line for the 5k. There were TONS of people. And tons of kids. Kids EVERYWHERE! I have never seen so many kids at one race before. There were girls on the run girls, other kids groups, ymca groups, etc. And the kids were very misbehaved. They were tripping eachother, pulling on each other, etc. I was not able to get a groove til about .4-.5 miles in. I knew this was going to happen because of the amount of people there. (there were over 500 girls ages 5-18 racing and I dont know how many boys) I did finish under 30 minutes but dont see my race time anywhere. I was happy that my time was under 30 but I wanted to be closer to 28 instead of 29 min. There is always room for improvement. :)

A good solid laugh

So the below post came from stressfreeinfertility blog. I had a good chuckle reading it because some of the things written are what I think. Although not all of them are catered to our situation. (not going into detail on that)
I have two big appts this week. One is tomorrow and the next is Friday. I will see a specialist Friday. I have been thinking long and hard on questions to ask. I have forwarded questions to Alex and Daniel to look over to get suggestions. Fingers crossed I will get some positive news this week.

So, whether it’s ignorance, misinformation, assumptions, prior knowledge about a past friend’s successes, or just plain lack of education about the infertile world…some of the following comments can crawl into our soul and tear apart the very thin threads that are holding us together any moment out of any given day. And whether we roll our eyes, make a nasty, cynical remark, smile and nod while screaming inside or run to the bathroom to sob in a stall, they all sting.

(Please feel free to add your own comments and your responses or opinions about any of these)… I know this blog is a positive space but sometimes you have to vent and let it all out! That’s a stress reliever too!

Here are some things that I have heard when you’re getting unsolicited advice about the actual trying…usually all the following are followed with “It’ll happen [one day].” What’s in italics are typical thoughts or perhaps even responses my husband or I have had.

1. Just Relax! (Oh…THAT’S what I was doing wrong!)
2. When the time is right… (Why? Is this a bad time?)
3. Don’t think about it so much. (So is this where I stick my head in the sand?)
4. Don’t try so hard. (This isn’t high school! We can’t use reverse psychology here!)
5. You have time. (Do I? I didn’t know you had my life planned out!)
6. You’re so young! (Am I? What age is good for you then?)
7. Just adopt and then you’ll get pregnant. (So, I spend tens of thousands for a baby and then my husband’s sperm count will magically go up?)
8. Just have sex on days 10, 12 and 14. (In a perfect cycle, in a perfect world…I suppose I’m just one of the abnormal ones!)

Here are some other non-sensical, insensitive comments:

1. I thought you guys were trying…what happened, did you take a break? (Ummm….yeah, we took a break. You know, we like to keep it spontaneous!)
2. It’s easy, just stick it in, have some fun and Bam! (No, really, it isn’t that easy!)
3. Have you tried…(insert the latest infertile craze here)?…That worked for my (cousin, neighbor, co-worker, sister, etc.) (Oh did it now!! Well, thank you so much! Now can I have her body, eggs, and her husband’s sperm?)
4. Is it you or your husband? (Did you seriously just ask me that???)
5. There’s always next time! (Ummm yeah, after I pay out my life savings to my doctor, and wait for my body to calm down from all these stims…)
6. But, is it really all that stressful? (Well, yeah after you go through all of the drugs, getting poked and prodded every day, wait for your follicles to grow, pray that they are of the best quality, hope that you get at least some to fertilize and then of course to implant all the while trying to keep it real that it comes with no guarantees…yeah I would say that’s pretty stressful!)

And here are some things “frustrated” parents say:

1. At least you can spend your money on other things. (NO, really I can’t though. I’m broke!)
2. Well, enjoy going out and sleeping in because that’s all over when you have kids. (I want to wake up early with my kids…those mornings would make my whole day!)
3. Just enjoy yourself ’cause kids can be brutal! (Really? Are you serious?)
4. Well, you can take mine if you want…(insert silly giggle here). (O.K. Don’t even joke because you know I was just thinking about how I could get away with that!)
5. Don’t ever have kids…EVER! (Seriously?????)

And of course the number one question that is the most irratating for me now that I’ve been successful (even though I am more than happy to talk about my experience) is:

Are they natural? (No, they are martian and artificial all rolled into one. I am THAT freakin’ unbelievable!)